A shy person isn’t awkward around everyone, they lose their confidence around people who appear most unlike them and strangers; when they around people they are comfortable with they can be the life of the party. Communication done well with the appearance of confidence is one of the clearest estimations of success. I’ve trained dozens of people in my career, people with no sales experience came to work every day with the expectation that I would teach them how to make money selling. Some were deeply afraid of talking to strangers, some more comfortable, but all of them needed help with shyness when dealing with a difficult prospect and closing a deal. Let’s discuss what shyness is and isn’t and how as individuals we can relate with strangers, gain their confidence and close the deals we need, to have the success we crave.
What is Shyness?
There are two, or three types of shyness, there are people who can’t handle social situations at all. We aren’t talking about these people, we are talking about regular, average fun-loving people who can talk to strangers on the street, can order food and ask for help from a department store clerk, but first let’s explore shyness.
Shyness is a personality characteristic, there are: nervous, apathetic or dynamic people, there are also shy ones. Shyness has a risk of social isolation, difficulty in establishing relationships and difficulty in achieving adequate professional status. Generally speaking, shyness cannot be understood as a typically pathological flash of behaviour, although there are some psychological currents in North America that classify this trait in this way. The question is when does shyness take on a pathological form and when is it necessary to react in order to overcome this feeling? I’m of the opinion that if it’s not pathological-consequently caused by mental illness, then it’s treatable with practice, lots of positive reinforcement and fun.
Being shy is not the same as being introverted. An introverted person is more turned to themselves and their inner world, but they do not have to be shy. A shy person has little or no trust in themselves and others, which leads them to constantly think about their actions. Overthinking their actions will develop a self-fulfilling prophecy with the outside world; It’s a cycle and we are going to break that cycle and have some fun.
We are all shy sometimes
In a survey conducted among students at an American university, more than 30% of respondents admitted that courtship makes them nervous. They have proven that a person showing signs of nervousness does not indicate less success than a person who does not. One psychologist managed to create an experimental situation with a guy considered incapable of establishing contact with women; at the end of the experiment he developed his confidence in courtship.
It is important to emphasize that we are all shy at times.
How to overcome shyness?
1. No one knows you’re shy! You are nervous, but your prospect is not aware, there are studies that claim only in 20% of cases we notice nervousness in the person with whom we interact.
2. Others are as nervous as you are, it is very likely that the other person does not feel any less tension than you.
3. You are worth as much as others! A cause of shyness is the feeling of inferiority in relation to the person you are in contact with. Always keep in mind that you are worth as much as that other person.
4. Change is always possible, making social contacts is a skill that can be learned at any time of life. Don’t miss the opportunity to start learning right away.
5. We all make mistakes, if you act in a way that you consider inadequate during contact with another person, keep in mind that no one is perfect, your prospect has been there too.
Believe in yourself
All these self-help authors refer to limiting beliefs, there is a lot of self-help I don’t agree with, but I agree with this aspect.
Think about your beliefs, is your belief that people won’t like you, won’t buy from you, or do business with you? Write those beliefs down and think about where they came from. Who gave you those beliefs. Now, take another piece of paper and write at the top, So What. I grew up with a lot of mean girls, but my dad helped me keep my focus off my looks and on my mind, I learned early to look in the mirror and say this is what I have and I’m going to be content with it.
It’s time you start treating those limited beliefs the same way. So what! So what you’re shy, so what you get uncomfortable if someone gets angry and yells at you, so what if the prospect doesn’t buy, so what?
List all those things you don’t like about yourself and then so what them. Now consider, how many people do you think have those same beliefs? Stop thinking about the most successful people you know, remove the best of the best from your mind; you aren’t competing with the 1% of best looking, smartest, or richest people in the world.
You are competing with people just like you, people who hate being yelled at, people who are worried someone won’t like them, people who doubt themselves. What about the person you’re going to talk to? Do you think they have the same limiting beliefs you do? Of course, they do! Who is your customer? An office manager, a small business owner, a teacher, a doctor? So what! They aren’t any better than you. Most people are not the super confident break through every door with a smile and close every deal sort of people. If you can reduce those limiting belief thoughts one day at a time, one belief at a time, little by little you can find some real fun from communicating with strangers who often have the same beliefs about themselves that you do.
Get rid of shyness
New Rule, I know we are socially distancing, but it’s time to get this practice in order. If you are in lockdown then you’re going to have to do it over the phone, or online. You are going to look for mentors, but I don’t like that word, I prefer counsellor (the sort of people you go to with big decisions), people who can help you, people you can rely on to build you. Forget about paying someone for this! That’s the easy way and you aren’t going to do it. You need practice. Open LinkedIn, create an account, or log into your account.
Now what do you want to do? What is your preferred industry, or what is your current job and industry.
You are going to find people in your industry who have the job title retired.
You are going to message the people most likely to respond to you. You have something in common, look at their profile and see what it is, you are from the same city, went to the same university, something in common. Put a nice message together:
Dear ______, thank you for taking the time to read my e mail. I’m new in the industry/ I’m considering entering the industry and would love to have some advice. I see that you have worked for ______ for x number of years and that you have volunteered with _________. You must have had an exciting career and fantastic life. Would you talk to me about what worked for you and tell me your story sometime next week? I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time.
When you take their call listen to them and ask them questions for more detail. Listen to them, don’t talk, let them talk- let them keep the pace of the call. If there are quiet times of the call then ask some pre-chosen questions.
- What did you like most about your career?
- What do you plan to do next?
- What advice can you offer someone starting out, or at whatever level you’re at.
Keep notes and after the conversation if you don’t see much in common, or they aren’t the person for you then thank them for their time and valuable advice. Ask them if they know anyone else who’s like them who would be interested in telling their story.
Go back to message more of them on LinkedIn. Keep looking for conversations until you find one you feel common interests with and that you like.
Don’t limit yourself to your gender, contact both men and women, but be careful and make sure there are no blurry lines with attraction, you’re here for your career, not a date.
You’re going to be fine. Find some fun reasons for reaching out to people to make it light hearted, don’t take yourself, or them too seriously. If you have problems with jealousy then take care of that first, there is nothing worse than hearing someone’s tone who’s jealous while they are asking for help. Be humble, be respectful and find real enjoyment from strangers, now go out and choose the people in your life.
